If you’re an adult who grew up in an abusive and/or neglectful home and you're experiencing work and career-related trouble, here are 3 manifestations of complex trauma that disguise itself as your personality, keeping you from career success.
I came across a very short psych journal on child abuse and complex ptsd years ago in my 20s, but it didn't quite deliver the punch. I was too busy living the dream with a thriving business, a long-term boyfriend, and a lofty apartment in New York City with several little animals running around. "I guess my trauma shaped me just fine," I thought. "Life is great! What more do I need?"
Two decades later, I asked myself the same question after abruptly quitting my so-called dream job, "what more do I need? Why am I so unhappy and so unfulfilled? What the hell is wrong with me?" After bulldozing through 15 jobs in nine different industries with an assortment of titles, I was exhausted, depleted, and deeply ashamed of my inability to progress in my career. Ultimately, I became reacquainted with cptsd during the darkest period of my life and the long-delayed punch would finally land.
Once my recovery became a top priority, the questionable results of my even more questionable actions started to make sense, particularly my tumultuous and volatile relationships and long-winded career trajectory. It was as if I was walking through life with dirt in my eyes, fumbling and tripping over the challenges of adulthood until, at last, I was able to see clearly for the first time.
Here are the top 3 complex trauma responses that disguise itself as your personality, keeping you moving forward in your career:
1. Can’t recognize or ignoring red flags
Did you know there are toxic workplace red flags in organizations and bosses similar to unhealthy relationship and potential-partner red flags? The signs are there from the beginning - in their response to your application, during your interview process, and in their email correspondence as you negotiate your terms. For example, when HR misses a reply within the agreed time frame without apology (or with a lame excuse), requesting an interview right away (then getting hired on the spot), the interviewer taking calls or emails during the interview, and requesting free labor before you’re officially hired is a glimpse into the company culture, and probably not a great one.
If you're already working in a place that exhibited the early warning signs, it's also likely you've witnessed poor, passive-aggressive communication between people and departments, high turnover of employees, no boundaries between work and personal life, and noticeable divisions between colleagues and departments at your current work place.
Missing the implications of an abusive work environment can be overlooked as inexperience or blind optimism at entry level, but repeatedly ignoring them or not recognizing them as you progress in your career is a trauma response that indicates cptsd may have thrown dirt in your eyes.
We ignore our gut instinct signaling something is off because we brush them off as minor inconveniences or we believe we have no other options, that no job can be perfect. We don't ask difficult questions or ask for clarity because we don't want to "knit-pick" and we're ok just "going with the flow." But is this personality or is it a trauma response?
When resentment and dissatisfaction pile up over time, do you push it down and ignore them as long as possible before it erupts in the most inconvenient way? Does this eruption consist of actions and mannerisms that get you in trouble, terminated, make you quit without warning? When the dust settles, do you find yourself in a desperate situation, scrambling to clean up the mess or scurrying to find another job? If this sounds familiar, it's not you, it's the cptsd.
Don’t let the adage “desperate times call for desperate measures” become the standard protocol for your professional life. Learn the signs of a bad boss and red flags to look out for during interviews. If you're currently stuck in a toxic work environment, make plans to leave, and make sure you're not jumping one sinking ship to another. Like everything else, recognizing red flag and acting on them skillfully takes practice. Allow yourself time and grace while going through a few trial and errors.
2. Misdirected outrage against injustice
Injustice is an especially triggering subject for adults who grew up in abusive and/or neglectful homes. With so much mistreatment and unfairness surrounding our childhood, we've grown to be adults that are quick to defend the underdog and growl at the slightest hint of inequality, deceit, or corruption in the workplace. This often leads us to fight other people's battles or overreact, especially to authority figures. But is the petition for absolute fairness across the board realistic? Is this a trauma response or a testimony to your totally righteous morals? Studies show it's not you, it's the cptsd.
You may be wondering, “what’s wrong with demanding justice? Every company would be a better place to work at if everyone was treated equally."
For one, our employers are not our childhood abusers. Parentifying (if your abusers were your parents) your employers will only cause you to become unnecessarily dysregulated more frequently and intensely while on the job. It will not only inhibit your motivation to produce good work, but also harm your physical, emotional, and spiritual health. No employer, boss, or colleague should be at the receiving end of our misdirected rage. There is rarely a positive outcome and you'll be the victim of shame and guilt once your executive functioning returns.
Two, what we perceive as injustice may be perceived as a long-awaited judgment by another. Have you ever rooted so hard for the underdog in a movie or championed the poor, vulnerable character in a storyline, only to have them turn out to be the ruthless villain at the end? We only ever see a small slice of the full picture, especially within a large company with many moving parts and departments. We all believe we've got it right until realizing it was all wrong, a common mishap for the majority of adults with childhood complex trauma. Depending on how extreme and extensive our abuse and neglect was, the more distorted our perceptions can be (The neurobiology of childhood trauma and abuse, Bessel van der Kolk,)
Lastly, consider the idea that extreme reactions to injustice rarely erupt from knowing all sides of the story. Meaning, if we were to sit down with the "offending" party for clarification and explanation, we are most likely to see “the other side” or at least come to understand the reasoning behind the perceived injustice.
It’s not to say we can’t have strong opinions on a matter. Our desire for justice and the willingness to act on it can and has produced so much good in this world. The difference between acting out and taking action is that the former is based on reactive, all-or-nothing, black-and-white thinking whereas the latter is moving towards a solution after thorough, careful, thoughtful observation.
3. Lacking boundaries
Dysfunctional families thrive in environments with subpar standards for behavior, lack of respect and discipline for one another, and where personal boundaries are crossed and even blurred out altogether. Growing up in these environments do not provide a great model for what healthy boundaries look like. Years of abuse and neglect distort our self-image and we grow up to be doubtful of our own judgment and how we relate to our environment. We don't understand or acknowledge our needs, feelings, and thoughts and it’s the hallmark of the boundaryless employee who won’t ever rock the boat or, conversely, is too much to handle.
One version is the person who can’t establish their boundaries and the other version is the person who can’t identify or won’t respect other people’s boundaries. They both lack healthy boundaries; one projects their disrespect onto themselves while the other projects their disrespect onto others. If you're the extremely chill, "go with the flow" employee that's never involved in any conflict or the extremely rigid, confrontational employee with a nickname like "fire dragon" or "pitbull", it's not you, it's the cptsd.
A telltale sign you have trouble establishing healthy boundaries at work is not being able to say no, regardless of your own workload and schedule. You are the “yes” man/woman who willingly takes on tasks or projects or comes in during off hours for work you won’t be acknowledged or credited for. Your space is always open for people to come and unload their stress and gossip. You're the person everyone turns to when they need "help." You often resent your employer and people within the organization for taking advantage of you but you don't speak up. Your employer and colleagues don't appreciate you.
On the other hand, if you’re the one projecting your poor boundaries onto others, you may raise your voice and belittle others under your authority. You ask direct, personal questions too soon without an established basis of trust and you’re offended if they decline to answer. You’re quick to demand from others; their time, their support, their schedule, etc., and you're just as quick to write people off if they don’t oblige. You’re always right and a stickler for perfection; you won’t accept anything less. Second chances are for weaklings and you will let them know exactly how they’ve fallen short. Yikes!
When we have difficulty establishing our personal boundaries in the workplace, we're not able to recognize them in others and in organizations. It keeps us blind to red flags and predatory companies that deplete mental health and overall wellbeing.
In Conclusion
While the three symptoms of cptsd above are experienced even by those who haven’t been raised in traumatic homes, the difference for folks who have cptsd is in our approach to the solutions. A simple search online populates tons of articles and videos on identifying toxic work environments, how to set healthy boundaries, and dozens of courses to enroll in for anger management. But these alone won’t suffice for adults with childhood complex trauma because the how-to’s and cure-alls found online do not have the traumatized person in mind as their front row audience. It may actually do more harm than good to one’s psyche and morale upon realizing the prescribed remedies didn't promote any noticeable change.
When complex ptsd is on the table, the best place to start and the foremost antidote for its ailments is educating yourself on the mechanisms and how it affects the child and, later on in life, the adult, holistically. Learn as much as you can through books, videos, podcasts, medical journals, connecting with others online and in the real world. Get therapy, hire a coach, build community around you; nothing is more important than recovery because all our problems and solutions are sourced from the same well.
What’s needed far before addressing the symptoms that hinder our professional growth is understanding how and why these trauma responses were developed, and how they integrated into our sense of self. It shows up in our physical bodies, our mental aptitude, our emotional well-being, and our spiritual health and will continue to do so for as long as you dismiss it without introspection.
But something tells me introspection is what led you here.
It took me 22 years to realize my career and financial mishaps weren’t because I was “just too anxious and easily bored” or because I had a terrible, complicated personality that wasn’t suitable for a stable career (a belief instilled and reinforced by my FOO). I was wandering through life alone, isolated by my own mental and emotional prison, suffering from an invisible, yet completely debilitating injury the world was not privy to or sympathetic towards. It was only when I hit the bottom that I started searching for a way out.
It’s my great wish to help anyone who has ever felt the same, and a hope that this blog will point you in the right direction.
God bless,
Nari