A quick search on complex trauma on the internet populates my screen with many programs, self-help books, videos, and even therapists nearby with many different healing and education modalities. There’s an endless amount of information on recovering from narcissistic abuse from partners and parents, different types of attachment styles, fascinating information on the brain and gut connection, the role of the vagus nerve when experiencing somatic flashbacks, how sleep cycles affect your overall mood, and many other facets of mental health recovery that all serve a purpose.
However, there seems to be a missing category that has, at least for myself and my clients, played a significant role while on my path toward recovery from complex ptsd; and that category is money. More specifically, the relationship between a survivor of child abuse and neglect and money and our ideologies about financial success.
In this blog post and in the series to come, we’ll examine some pressing questions to understand why so many of us with complex ptsd go on to retraumatize ourselves in the present by way of money scarcity, why we develop and hold onto unhealthy perspectives about money, and also delve into remedies for preventing further financial trauma while on the path towards total recovery.
What's cptsd got to do with it?
Cultivating a stable career and garnering financial stability is gravely important; everybody knows this. At the very least, money allows us to provide for our basic necessities like food and shelter. At its very best, it can elevate the quality of our lives to new heights with better choices and better opportunities. Yet why is financial stability and success so elusive to adults who grew up in abusive and neglectful homes? Why do we have such a volatile and ambiguous relationship with money, and does this reflect our inner turmoil? When and how does our deepest desire to find meaningful work and one that satisfies our monetary goals become a reality? Most of all, how do we eradicate the negative money script from our personal worldview and replace it with one that enhances our recovery?
A wise man once said, “to ask the right question is already half the solution to a problem.” Now that the first half of the solution has been clearly laid out, let’s clarify what an “unhealthy relationship with money” looks like. Going through a dozen articles online that state their slightly varied take on the subject, these are the top five signs that show up when determining a negative mindset toward money:
1. Hoarding money
If you have enough savings to live for a couple of years but cannot bring yourself to buy a new $5 can opener, you may have a problem, especially if you’re using a spoon or knife to get the job done because your current can opener is broken.
2. Spending frivolously
The opposite of #1 is mindlessly and carelessly spending on items and making purchases without real purpose or need. Spending money just for the sake of spending because you have it is another sign there’s a problem.
3. Avoiding the subject of money all together
Whether it’s about your current financial situation or asking someone to tally up the split cost of a bill, you shy away from money talk because it makes you uncomfortable.
4. Increasing debt
If you have credit card debt, school or business loans, mortgages, or any debt that isn’t being paid down, but you don’t think twice about buying that pair of shoes you’ve been eyeing or taking a date to the most expensive restaurant to impress, there’s an issue.
5. No savings, no plan for the future
Planning for the (stable) future often means setting aside savings. Whether for making a large purchase, emergency situations, or investing in your dreams, having a savings account designated for a specific purpose will take you there. If the “paycheck to paycheck” lifestyle is your norm, it’s time to rethink and revamp your relationship with money.
Childhood trauma includes financial trauma
Obviously, our relationship with money is rooted in our upbringing and then shaped as we progress into adulthood. Our earliest understanding of it stems from how our parents viewed money, how it was used, and its role in our family dynamic. Our culture, religious background, personal experiences with money, and the value systems we build as we get older all play a part, too. It can also be influenced by external factors like economic or political instability (Harvard Business Review). In dysfunctional families, it’s common for money to be the source of contention and for children to witness the abuse of money. Having too little or bad spending habits would have filled an entire night with arguing and physical violence. Money may have been used as a weapon to manipulate and control – an exchange for their silence or a tool for coercive action. My father would often shame us for asking for money, citing that money is the root of all evil and we should never want more than what we have. If a school trip or an instrumental lesson I wanted to take costed money; there would most definitely be a lecture on the evils of desire and greed, followed by a punishment of sorts. Considering these factors, it’s easy to understand how adults who grew up amid child abuse and neglect would have a messy, terrible relationship with money.
As an adult, I instinctively knew I had a skewed perspective on money and all that was attached to it, like wealth and business success. It wasn’t until I shifted my focus from career crisis to my relationship with money that things began to click. I began to ask “why” and “how” instead of “what’s next,” and this was when my complex childhood trauma came into focus and made it all clear.
I became curious and wondered if anyone else with cptsd could relate. Was I the only one experiencing financial chaos? I posed this question on a popular mental health forum about folks with cptsd to gain perspective on how others were handling their money. “Is cptsd the reason for your tumultuous relationship with money?” The verdict was in. Most of the members replied with confirmation that trouble with money was common ground for them too. Among several responses, one answer was so succinct and eloquent that I had to bring it to light here. They wrote, “It’s typical to have a weird attitude towards money because abuse targets the victim’s ability to access self-power, and money facilitates power.” It was the perfect answer that explained for causation, but I wanted to dig deeper into correlation. What is the connection between childhood trauma and repeated financial trauma in adulthood? Wanting to understand the “how” and “why,” I interchanged the word “power” with “authority” for better clarity. “It’s typical to have weird attitudes towards money because abuse targets the victim’s ability to access self-authority, and money facilitates authority.” Is childhood trauma the reason for our unhealthy relationship with money? Is childhood trauma the reason for our unhealthy relationship with self-authority or personal power?
Afraid of unfamiliar territory
In my last blog post I included scientific research about mice running back to their chaotic, unsafe homes when unfamiliar territory became too stressful. When the unknown crept up too close, they immediately returned to what was familiar, even after spending time in a more pleasant and peaceful surrounding. This insightful experiment certainly explained my own repeated trauma cycle with money and career choices. My adult life echoed my tumultuous childhood where money was at the crux of our family problems and was used as a tool for control and abuse. No matter how hard I worked to provide a pleasant environment for myself, I tore it apart, in fear of stepping into unfamiliar territory, and recreated the home that was recognizable to me, one where crisis and desperation was the ruler of the house.
Then there's a term we often encounter while on the road to recovery - learned helplessness, and it’s common for children to adapt to this state of being when abuse and neglect are prolonged and rampant. The National Library of Medicine defines it as “a state in which nothing a person opts to do affects what is happening. It is the quitting or the give up response that follows the conviction that whatever a person does doesn’t matter… The term has been applied to the failure of human beings to pursue, utilize, or acquire adaptive instrumental responses. People suffering from LH accept that bad things will take place and they will have little control over them. Those who are exposed to complex problems for an extended period learn that responses and events are unconnected. Learning attained in this situation weakens imminent learning and leads to inactivity. Consequently, they will be unsuccessful to resolve any concern even if there is a possible solution for the concern (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5141652/).
Once or twice is coincidence, three, four, and more is choice.
Extended trauma during a child’s developmental stage injures the brain and nervous system. We age with this injury that unrealistically shapes our worldview, prompting us to make unrealistic decisions, expecting unrealistic results. Even as the conscious mind is busily constructing a more pleasant and peaceful new environment, the unconscious, injured mind lures us towards action that eventually takes us right back to the place we tried so hard to escape. When learned helplessness is our home base, we create chaos and readily jump into the cycle of self-abuse, leading us back to the state of learned helplessness where we feel most comfortable in.
There are also more straightforward ways in which complex trauma can damage your financial health. In 2021, one in three Americans were reported to be diagnosed with bipolar disorder, substance abuse disorder, chronic depression or ADHD (2021 National Survey of Drug Use and Health). We also know that a high percentage of adults with these conditions should, in reality, be diagnosed with cptsd. With that said, long-term substance abuse will most definitely impact your professional life and your ability to make healthy, long-term financial decisions. Bipolar disorder can lead people into overreacting and underreacting, which can cause much harm and impact finances, even hindering their ability to go to work and perform job duties. Depression can leave a person stagnant in one place, unable to take action, and can severely limit one’s earning power.
Healthy mind, healthy life, healthy finances
Things won’t change until we change. For adults with cptsd, our brain and nervous system must change and heal before we expect our money habits to change. It doesn’t suffice to slice up your credit cards in an effort to stop overspending or finally opening a savings account in an effort to save. The root cause of the issue must be addressed and explored to be understood in the context of one’s relationship to money. Remember that just as your mental health has the power to affect your financial health, so is the case in reverse – your financial health can affect your mental health too.
As our emotions rule traumatized folks, and understanding money habits in relation to our emotions and mood is a great way to start the healing process. Some forms of therapy and financial coaching asks clients to keep a financial journal to jot down their emotional responses toward money management and habits. When spending or saving patterns emerge, taking note of the emotions that precede the prompt, then taking note of the feelings after completing a transaction can provide interesting information on our financial health. Asking “does this money pattern serve my purpose or make it worse" is a good question to follow up with.
Another practical way of changing an unhealthy relationship with money is by getting familiar with the language of money. Learn what trust funds can do for you, what kind of investments there are, which life insurance plans pay you out, and what a capital market is.
However difficult it may be for adults who have been touched and shaped by our traumatic experiences, it’s much more critical that we actively change the patterns and perceptions that prevent us from progressing.
Education prevents retraumatization, and it’s especially true for adults with complex ptsd. Give it a go and see for yourself!
Wishing you continued recovery and a beautiful, healthy relationship with money,
Nari